I Had A BBQ And 7 Out Of 8 Men There Couldn’t Find The Clitoris

A normal, every day BBQ with friends took a turn for the interesting when we asked a simple question of the men present: Could they find the clitoris?

I’m not shocked by much. I’ve seen a lot. Heard a lot. Experienced A LOT. But I was at a BBQ with friends one recent, fine spring day where I lost all faith in men. Well… with most men. All but one, actually.

Dramatic? Maybe.

Truth? Yes!

Bunting flutters in the breeze at a backyard bbq. Finding the Clitoris isn
Kate Manning didn’t expect ‘Finding the Clitoris’ to be part of her backyard barbeque socialising, but yet, here she was.

It started when the drinks flowed, and the conversation followed. Fairly normally, I think. 5 married couples and a handful of single friends were comparing dating stories from way back then (married) vs now (singles).

One of my friends remaining particularly silent, blushing a delightful shade of beet red. I watched her curiously from the corner of my eye as the rest of us talked. She was always so confident. Was she embarrassed? Or maybe still a little hungover from a date the night before?

Laughter filled the air as I retold ‘part’ of the story of the first night my husband and I were intimate together. Long story short, it went well but the poor man ended up in my en-suite with an unfortunate case of ‘runny bum’. It had appeared the Mexican food we ate didn’t quite agree with him.

People asked if it had affected his performance. No, actually. But it did raise – pardon the pun – another important topic. One that would change the course of conversation for the rest of the gathering.

My delightfully red friend very quietly asked me: “Did he know where your clitoris was? Does he? Now?”

Well does he?

Cue me spraying my rosè straight out of my mouth and nose like a fountain, all over the grass in front of me.

Once the hysterical laughter died down. I looked at her and said “yes, of course!”.

I then relayed the question to the group, and we discovered that in an intimate, post-date moment the previous night, my dear friend – let’s call her Delores – had an incident where her date couldn’t find her clitoris.

He had, of course, bragged about how he was a ‘clit master’ – now there’s a claim to fame – and then, to her horror, proceeded to prod her in ever growing circles around the outside of her labia, not once coming near the grand prize.

Needless to say, all of the women present were equally horrified and hysterical with laughter. As was one single male friend who found it unbelievable.

The other men sat in awkward silence.

So I asked, “You all know right? You know where it is?!”

“Of course!”

“Sure do.”

“Pffffft yeah!”

“Mmmm hmmmm sure do.”

The girls and I all looked at each other. And nodded.

The test: Could they find the clitoris?

We quickly found a technical, unlabelled – and very unflattering – diagram of a lady’s nether regions and asked them one by one to find the clitoris.


We didn’t know whether to laugh or cry! Did the schooling system fail them? Porn? Did we?! How on earth did 7 grown men – in their 30’s and 40’s no less – not know this? How had we not known that they didn’t know?

All of a sudden I realised that in all my sexual encounters with my husband, I didn’t recall him ever giving my ‘rhymes with Delores’ any special attention. Usually, I did that myself. I felt like I was living in an alternate reality. Was I living in not-s0-blissful ignorance? Had my poor clitoris been neglected? Had every clitoris in the room been neglected?

Was this common worldwide or were Aussie men lacking in some very important education?!

The men all laughed it off, with immense and obvious relief that they were in good (ignorant) company. While our one single mate walked around for the rest of the evening like he had a schlong the size of Dirk Diggler.

Still… how did we get here?! Ladies, courtesy of us, here is a great diagram to show your men. Go, run. Don’t walk. For the love of all that’s clitorally good, go and ask them to find the clitoris! If they can’t, teach them (once you recover from the shock you will undoubtedly feel).

One unflattering diagram of a woman
As requested, One unflattering diagram of a woman’s pubic area to test if your male friends can find the clitoris. You’re welcome.

Did you know?

Seriously though, we’re not taught much about the clitoris.  So to help bridge that gap, here are some fascinating facts you can learn, and teach to the men in your life so they really can be the ultimate ‘clit master’! We can only live in hope, ladies. Until then, we’ll just have to do it ourselves.

A photo of the Asian Pigeonwings, Clitoria ternatea
The Asian Pigeonwings, Clitoria Ternatea is native to Indonesia. It’s scientific name is a translation of its name in the local language. Original Image by Dr. Raju Kasambe, resized by Wild Secrets (CC BY-SA 4.0)

Top tips to find and pleasure the clitoris

I’d be neglecting you if I didn’t give you some well-earned tips on how to achieve clitoral stimulation, wouldn’t I? Given we’re all learning, here’s my three  top tips on how to paddle your pink canoe like the best of them.

1. Explore yourself

Play with pressure and strokes in masturbation. Light touch, gentle squeezes, small spanks. You can even try using two fingers to stroke it much like you would a penis with a hand job. Only you know your comfort and pleasure zones… but you might just discover some new ones!

2. Try a new toy

You may have your favourites but don’t be afraid to explore new technology. Like everything, research every year results in new technology and new improvements. Ever tried a clitoral stimulator that uses air pulses to tantalise you? A hands free vibrator? Doubted the power of a tiny bullet? Spoil yo’self! Need a few more suggestions – try some of my favs below!

Satisfyer Pro 2+


The Satisfyer Pro 2+ requires you find the clitoris for best results

The Satisfyer Pro 2 was the world’s best selling sex toy, so the sextech wizards at Satisfyer added a vibrating function, bringing the world the Pro 2+. This little beauty sits over your clitoris, and stimulates with a combination of oral-like suction and thrilling vibrations. Excellent to break out and show your partner how much clitoral pleasure matters and the difference it makes if they can find your clitoris!

Lelo Dot

A Greek Goddess holds the Lelo Dot against her chest. The slender tip of the Lelo dot and narrow profile makes it great for partnered pleasure during intercourse
The narrow profile and slender, flexible tip of the Lelo Dot make it perfect for use during partnered play.

The Lelo Dot helps find the clitoris during partnered sex. It has a narrow, flexible tip that sweeps around in a figure eight motion, gently thrilling your clitoris without the heavy hammering that some other vibrators provide. The slender profile make it ideal as an unobtrusive addition to penetrative play, but you can also use it solo. If you want to know what that’s like, you can read a review here.

3. Show your partner how to find the clitoris

Making finding – and pleasuring – the clitoris part of your foreplay is a great way to gently show your partner both where it is, and how you like to be touched. One I love is the ‘peace sign’, which is nicely explained by Sex Educator Anne Louise Burdett: “Put your fingers in a peace sign and with lots of lube, slide them up and down on the inside of their outer lips, around the inner lips. Here you are stimulating the extended internal structure of the clitoris. This is erectile tissue that becomes highly sensitive when engorged, making the area hotter, filled with blood and pulsing.” And when she says lots of lube, use a lot of lube! This does not feel pleasurable without it.

There’s many more ways you can stimulate a clitoris, but at the end of the day, it’s all very personal – what feels good for me may not feel great for you. So ladies, go forth, experiment and educate/be educated!

As for poor Delores, the newly named Lacklustre Labia Licker will NOT be getting a call back.