BDSM Basics: Your Guide To Safety And Consent
Curious about BDSM?
If you’re new to BDSM, you might think stepping into this new world means throwing caution and consent to the wind and submitting yourself (or submitting others) to domination and pain. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Because BDSM often plays with power, consent and safety are important. You’ll find that experienced BDSM players know that consent is one of the community’s most important principles!
Thinking about trying it out? Here are a few things to keep in mind when playing in bondage and BDSM.
Safe, Sane and Consensual
“Safe, Sane and Consensual” (SSC) – it’s a guiding mantra that helps put safety and consent front of mind when playing in BDSM.
“Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK), on the other hand, acknowledges that, yes, there are risks in BDSM play, but all participants must be okay with those risks.
In essence, it comes down to making sure that there is trust, respect and communication between all players. Making sure your play is safe and consensual is critical. And this means more than just having a safe word! Although that’s definitely part of it.
Consent and Boundaries
Power play and punishment can be fun and exciting (nothing like tying your lover up, or feeling the sting of a riding crop to turn up the heat in the bedroom), but always remember that consent is a foundation of BDSM (as it should be whenever you’re getting hot and heavy).
Whether you’re a sub, a dom or a switch, establish and understand you and your partner(s)’ boundaries before you begin. Discuss all scenes in detail before you start and have a safe word so you can pull the breaks immediately if someone is no longer enjoying themselves.
Communication, communication, communication!
We can’t stress this one enough. We all know that getting your lover to take you to new heights is all about telling them what you like, and what you don’t. But communication is also super important in BDSM. Make sure you’re communicating openly and honestly with your partner(s) before, during and after play. Share your boundaries and limits, your safe word, any concerns or feelings you may have, what you’d like to try and what you’re not ready for, and what aftercare you’ll both need. And always check in with your partner throughout to make sure they’re still having a good time.
Power Dynamics
Is your partner older or younger than you? More or less experienced sexually? Do they earn more or less? There are so many factors that can play into how your partner feels about sex and play.
Unbalanced power dynamics can make people feel pressure to perform. Just because you have a safe word, doesn’t mean your partner will feel safe to use it. It’s important to create an environment where everybody feels comfortable expressing themselves, and this starts with understanding and addressing any power imbalances.
Pleasure and Pain
Pain and pleasure can be inextricably linked. Pain can lead to a rush of endorphins that flood the body and make you feel great. But it’s important to remember that pain is an option, not a given!
While some enjoy pushing their own boundaries or the stimulation that can come with pain, and others get excited inflicting it, it may not be for everyone.
Establish your boundaries before you play, and experiment with the level of pain you can tolerate before upping the intensity.
Safe Words
A safe word is a word you use when you want play to stop. Try to pick a word you wouldn’t normally use during sex, so there’s zero confusion.
While “stop” might seem like an obvious choice, if you’re participating in power play, it might not be the best one.
Always respect the safe word and be prepared to stop immediately when it’s used.
Know Your Toys
Restraints, whips, paddles and ball gags are just some of the toys you can introduce into your playroom to up the excitement. But if you don’t use them properly, they can cause harm.
A whip in the hands of an eager but inexperienced lover can catch you in all the wrong places. Ouch. Make sure to read the instructions, educate yourself and practice before you play. Hey, any excuse for a little self-love, right?
Stay Sober
The “sane” part of the “safe, sane and consensual” mantra, is that it’s best to avoid drugs and alcohol when playing in BDSM.
Firstly, bondage and BDSM can be hard work! You’ll need some energy to try out those new positions and play out different scenes. Not to mention you’ll want your reaction times (and your aim) to be sharp, just in case something goes wrong. You’ll also want to make sure everyone can consent, and that means sober consent!
So maybe lay off the booze for a night – you’ll be able to feel more pleasure without its dulling effects anyway.
Aftercare
When the scene is over, it’s important to make sure everyone feels okay, physically, mentally and emotionally. This is called aftercare, and all players, whether you’re a sub or a dom, can benefit from it.
Endorphins spike during play. It’s why BDSM, and sex in general, can feel so damn good. But when those endorphins come crashing down, people can often feel what is called a “drop”. It varies from person to person, but can often result in feeling down.
Aftercare can help you and your partner(s) deal with the drop. During aftercare, take off your gear, get warm and comfortable, treat yourself and your partner with any soothing massage needed, share a snack and hydrate, and make sure to check in with your partner to make sure they’re feeling okay. For more aftercare ideas, read our guide on bondage aftercare here.
Remember, everyone’s needs will be different, so make sure to discuss aftercare before you begin to play!
