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If you’re considering introducing a vibrator into your relationship, make sure you’re comfortable using sex toys alone and talking about it with others. Any hesitation or difficult feelings could confuse your partner and should be resolved first by talking them out with yourself or someone else you trust.
Try to work out how your partner would feel about the two of you using a vibrator together. Have they ever used a sex toy alone or with another partner? Would they be open to it? If not, why? Share your own experiences of using a vibrator and what one could bring to your relationship.
If they have fears or insecurities, which could be hidden beneath humour, take it slow. Describe the positives of sex with your partner and explain how a vibrator wouldn’t replace them, but rather, increase your pleasure together.
Suggest browsing for toys together, just to see what’s there. You can come back to buy when they’re ready. You can also send them links to sex toys you like. Respect that your partner’s feelings may differ to yours and be patient and understanding.
If your partner is open to introducing a vibrator into your relationship, but has never used a sex toy before, give them the chance to do so alone, perhaps offering tips. This may be particularly helpful if your partner is shy, embarrassed or nervous about using sex toys. The safer and more relaxed they feel, the better. If you’re sharing your vibrator, ensure there’s toy cleaner, lubricant and instructions.
Once your partner is ready to use a vibrator with you, agree on the specifics. Will the sex toy be new or from your existing collection? Both of you need to be comfortable with the selection. At this point, it’s also important for each of you to discuss your likes and dislikes and set clear rules together about how any sexy toy will and will not be used.
Now the fun really begins! Agree when you’ll decide to use your vibrator and have it ready to go early in the session. If you’re more comfortable using your sex toy than your partner is, take control of it and use your hands to guide them on the position, angle and pressure. Then give them a go. Experiment to discover what lets both of you give and receive pleasure.
We sometimes need extra help in bed, and a vibrator can be the solution. But not all partners are accepting of this.
Some view it as subversive while for others, it conjures feelings of inadequacy even jealousy.
The action to take if your partner is uncomfortable with your vibrator depends on their reasons. For example, if your partner disapproves of the fact you use your sex toy alone, you could remind them of your right to freedom of choice and that this includes masturbation. You could ask how they would feel if you tried taking away some of their freedoms or if they would like a sex toy of their own.
If your partner feels threatened by the fact your vibrator can give you pleasure, consider asking them to join in. Sharing the experience may lead to increased sexual intimacy and mutual pleasure. You could also consider buying a new vibrator or couple’s item together, so your partner feels included in toy use from the outset.
However, if your partner feels threatened despite being involved in your vibrator use, explain that it’s not a competition between them and your sex toy. Intimacy with your partner is paramount and has emotional aspects your vibrator use couldn’t possibly deliver.
Using a vibrator increases your bodily awareness and sexual exploration, and that’s a gift for both of you to enjoy.